By Eustace C. Jackson.
January 20, 2016.
Greetings boys and girls. Eustace trusts this meets you well. Eustace hopes you’ve all enjoyed a mild winter thus far. And if you’re in the path of the oncoming “monster” blizzard, please get your supplies and honker down and keep warm. It definitely sucks to be you right now.
So winter is in full bloom as is the presidential primaries season. Eustace wrote an article matching the candidates and their respective campaigns with teams in America’s favorite past time – the NFL. That was a very well received article, Eustace thinks. Very many of our faithfuls asked “where is the Pulitzer already?” and just as many called for Eustace to be burned in effigy because he either didn’t mention their beloved teams, or when he did mention their teams, it was to put them in bad light! To the former, you know Eustace loves you much and to the latter, Eustace loves you too!
In the 8 weeks since the first installment of this article, a total of 3 republican candidates have tapped out. Jindal and his Jaguars, Pataki and Graham and his Chargers a few days after he practically wept through his valedictory debate. A peculiar phrase candidates use on their way out “this is not my time” reeks of the impression that there would be another time – a better time. Good luck! Some of the remaining candidates apparently connived with their assigned football clubs to make hodgepodge of some of Eustace’s pairings. Senator Cruz, who’s campaign strategy centered around an expectation of a Trump implosion, surely is doing better than the Atlanta Falcons did. Donald Trump’s Green Bay Packers had a season for the ages! It squeaked into the playoffs on account of a number of spectacular highlight reel plays. They then took out Dr. Paul’s Redskins and battled the Arizona Cardinals to overtime, again on a spectacular often highly unsuccessful play. Their charmed season came to a blistering halt on Arizona’s first possession in OT.
But Trump remains.
The Colts’ mediocre season doesn’t bode well for former governor Jeb! His campaign thus far has been a very resource depleting lemon, giving credence to the whispers that the smart donor money may be seeking an alternative destination. Still, Eustace isn’t about to punt him away just yet. Yes indeed, his vaa hasn’t made a difference for him, but the fact remains that he has the vaa to go long assuming it’s not all over by Nevada.
Governor Christie may appear to be faring better than the Jets did, but Eustace says it’s mirage. Things aren’t always what they seem. Trump has denigrated hispanics, women, politicians (justified!), war heroes, China, and most recently, Muslims. Every single time he did, his poll numbers went up. Trump’s bombast and subsequent rise in the polls has an inverse relationship with his opponents poll numbers in the classic zero sum contest. This phenomenon wasn’t lost on governor Christie, the poor man’s Trump, who then decided to unleash his inner strongman. In one of the recent debates, governor Christie posited he’d shoot down any Russian jet that violates the no-fly zone a president Christie would create. So girls and boys, alas there’s a thin line between strength and stupidity. Governor, you think because Turkey did it, that it’s open season on the Russian airforce? Do you think that US forces downing a Russian jet would be seen in the same light as the skirmish with Turkey ? Do you know the shockwave that would immediately encapsulate the global financial markets? Do you have any concept of MAD? Do you know anything about the START treaty? Do you so desperately want to fat-finger the proverbial nuclear button? What is wrong with you Christopher? This is what makes Eustace tearfully livid! Governor Christie managed to wiggle his way out of the kiddies area back to the main stage – an impressive feat considering how tough it’s been to make that leap. That meant the kiddies corner had shed 3 members since the last debate. The kiddies table however abhors a vacuum, so it sucked in Carla Fiorina (poor Ms. Fiorina, thought she had escaped that place) and Senator Rand Paul who promptly kinda sorta gave them his entire left fist!
Governor Huckabee and senator Santorum are kiddies table lifers.
Eustace doesn’t know what they’re playing for, because their measly 0-2% poll numbers doesn’t give them much of any bargaining power.
On the main stage, governors Bush, Christie and Kasich as well as senator Rubio and Dr. Carson continue to vigorously make their cases. The prevailing narrative however is that the republican race for nominee is winding down to a choice between two forces, between the devil and the deep blue sea, between a rock and a hard place, between diamond and tungsten carbide, between Trump and Cruz! But is it really? That is the position loudly and consistently broadcast by the Cruz camp and the others better repudiate that narrative quickly else it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy! And that is the position we’re taking today and going forward. We’ll cover only the top two candidates extensively.
If you ever thought this race would come to this, then quickly get off your hinny and head to Sin City and win yourself and your family some vaa (vaa = dough)!
Despite what looked like an embarrassment of riches, the grand old people are suddenly faced with the task of deciding which of their 2 frontrunners they dislike less! O blimey! What a predicament!
When 22 prominent and respected conservative voices converged at National Review and created an encyclopedic denouncement of Trump, claiming that his candidacy would result in a HUGE setback to the conservative movement, he casually swathed them away like you would a female anopheles mosquito. What the NR-22 meant as a headwind against Trump instead led to their (NR-22) disinvitation from the RNC’s debate activities going forward. Right back at you NR-22! Nothing or no one was going to interrupt Trump from basking in the euphoria of the couple days prior to NR-22’s fumble. Trump had received two powerful endorsements in Ames, IA, one from the legendary John Wayne and the other from the formidable Sarah Palin. Yes. John Wayne – via his daughter and Momma Bear in person! What a day.
Bear in mind that senator Cruz’s ascension to the senate is credited, in large part to the endorsement of governor Palin. So we can surmise that “Sarah gives, Sarah takes away”!
And as if that wasn’t enough not good news for senator Cruz, that same day, governor Terry Branstad, the 4-term Iowa governor, charged his fellow Hawkeyes to arise on caucus day and ensure that the “big oil” Texan senator Cruz is “defeated”. Governor Branstad knows his people and his people know him. Proof? He’s the longest serving governor in US history. Period! So his call to arms likely won’t go unheeded.
Senator Cruz, oh senator Cruz, how the mighty has fallen! How the island has sunk! The first term senator, darling (perhaps former darling) of the Tea Party, went to The Hill as a one man wrecking team, with a slash and burn bend. He is credited with one government shutdown and several near shutdowns and credit limit defaults. The one accomplishment he regularly brags about is his fruitless 20+ hourlong filibuster to block funding for Obamacare. Republican colleagues are convinced a president Cruz will shutdown his own government! Some say he reminds them of senator McCarthy, a very mean-spirited and vindictive senator from times past. Eustace doesn’t know senator McCarthy, but he’s willing to bet his entire pittance that McCarthy had at least a friend or two amongst his 99 senate colleagues. Same can’t be said of senator Cruz. To know him apparently is to dislike him. On arriving the senate, he made it clear to “friend” and foe alike, that “compromise” is an “f” word and he was not about to engage in that sort of profanity! Plus you don’t go on the senate floor and call the senate leader (from your party no less) a “liar”. They’re all liars, we know, but decorum requires that you limit your ire to such phrases as “he’s wrong”, or “that’s not true” etc. That is why a senator McCain would overlook the abominable slight fostered on him by Trump and essentially stand with him (Trump) by drawing a distinction between his (McCain) natural born citizenship status versus that of Canadian born Cruz, who according to Trump, may be legally ineligible to be president. Trump continues to make hay out of this birther movement. Never before in the history of mankind has being born in Canada been such a sacrilegious impediment! Time to make a pick.
Trump’s Arizona Cardinals is heading to Cruz’s Carolina Panthers for the NFC championship. Eustace keeps betting against the Panthers and he keeps losing. But this one time, Eustace’s crystal ball is shining brightly for Trump’s Cardinals. And here’s why. Trump travels well and is leading in the polls in Iowa (take that Evangelicals), South Carolina (goodbye senator Graham), Florida (stick it Rubio and Jeb!) and Ohio (Kasick). Cruz’s Panthers will put up a gallant defence but in the end, Trump’s juggernaut will prevail. Advantage Cardinals!
Now to the AFC’s First Lady, Senator, Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton and Mayor, Congressman, Senator Bernie “The Bern” Sanders. What in the world happened? Just a few weeks ago, the race appeared to be irrevocably tilted towards madam Secretary. Now it’s all reversed, with “The Bern” burning as bright as ever and now with the intensity of oxyaccetylene flame! With his up and down lead in the Iowa and New Hampshire polls, critics charge those two states is as far as his steam can take him. But they forget that victory just like losing, is an infectious condition. Victory begets victory!
But all is not all lost in the Clinton campaign. And there’s yet enough time to remedy the situation.
Three simple steps:
1) have VP Joe Biden announce a press conference and declare he’s not running. Still!
2) force the DNC to setup another debate and then go ahead and “kill” it!
3) demand another public congressional hearing on Benghazi and insist it lasts at least 12 hours!
The reality is Secretary Clinton is, in terms of experience, perhaps one of the top 5 most qualified candidates to ever seek the office of POTUS. She’s been roommates with a governor and president for over a dozen years and then served as a senator from the great state of New York. Then 4 years as America’s president abroad. Plus, common now, what has she done so wrong to warrant losing to a quatrogenerian black man and then to a septugeneran white man? Anyhow, she must keep the fire alight and burning, because time is the worst enemy of frontrunners! And the self-described Democratic Socialist may have a hard time in the general because “we the people” just aren’t sophisticated enough to grasp the nuance of that label. Bill Mahre thinks it sounds like herpes. Eustace says it’s like describing an honest liar!
Time for the picks. Full disclosure; Eustace primaried for Hillary in 2008 and still supports her today. Similarly, Eustace loves mister Peyton “Omaha” Manning and knows for a fact that he’s the best and smartest football person in an era and possibly ever! So Secretary Clinton is the Broncos and senator Sanders, the Patriots. Now these are sentimental picks because Eustace really feels the Patriots are the best team this year, bar none. But like Hillary, this may be Peyton’s last rodeo. I pick Clinton and the Broncos over Sanders and the Patriots by less than a touchdown. In a shoot-out.
May the force be with my picks! Gals and boys, see you at the Superbowl! Oh one more thing. All of a sudden, governor Martin O’Malley’s 3%-5% may well be the tie breaker in this race. Lets just say he’s the football. If he acts just right, advantage Peyton, advantage Hillary. But God forbid he comes in a little deflated??? Exactly!
We the people say:
Trump: the Canadian is a maniac. He’s nasty. Nobody likes him.
Rand Paul: he can’t be a natural born Canadian and a natural born American at the same time!
GW: i hate that guy!
Senate chef: me no like him. I spit in his fajita!
Senate groundskeeper: i put banana peels by him car!
Coach Mora: playoffs?? You talking about the playoffs? You kidding me?
Dr. Carson: if you look at whats happening. Most people are angry because, take medicare for example, anytime parent planninghood allow muslims who btw are not suitable for leadership, then China sees that as a weakness especially if oil prices to rise. I mean fall. And I said all that with my eyes closed. Wait till i open my eyes!
Governor Palin: I hear you Ben! Energy is my baby. I’ll kill it too! President Obama must know that we have the moxie to ensure that we defeat the groundhogs and our God fearing young brave soldiers are not not only on Track to catch pdst like did ebola. I endorse Trump. Energy’s my baby.
Koboko: Omahaaaaa! Omahaaaaa! Omahaaaaa!