By Eustace C. Jackson.
January 21, 2016.
On June 8, 1998, Nigerians awoke to the exhilarating rumors that military man turned ruthless dictator, strongman president Sani Abacha had died during the night. Nigerians were very cautious to not jubilate until such a time that the rumors have been doubly and triply confirmed. And for good reason; several still languished in dingy prison cells for their premature celebration of the last false rumor of Abacha’s demise. This time around, the confirmations trickled in slowly but steadily and finally, the mainstream media reported it. Abacha was dead! Seldom in the history of mankind has the death of a leader been celebrated by all and sundry, as much as they (Nigerians) did. It was as if an immortal evil somehow found a way to die! And by so doing, broke the dam of jubilation which before then was a dam of fear and frustration. For several hours, they didn’t know how he died and frankly didn’t muchly care. Folks were so ecstatic, beer parlors served free booze and taxi driver s gave free fare. As the day of jubilation wore on, Nigerians began to catch a whiff as to the “how”. And it was as juicy as it was despicable. The feared general who ruled with an iron fist and mostly at nighttime had perished during a manage-a-trois romp with two ladies of foreign decent, who were later confirmed to be Indians! That was when the jubilations entered a higher and unprecedented gear. The ladies of easy virtue joined in and began to offer their enticing wares for free or next to nothing, as if to say “stick to us, go foreign at your own risk”!
As the jubilation reached its crescendo, the ever observant and reflective Ugwu shook his head and declared that “Abacha e sile ebe o siri bia uwa luwa”! Simply put, Abacha had died a vaginal death, essentially the same route of his coming. And that, girls and boys, is the theme of this story.
The holy book tells us that it is appointed that man shall die but once then be judged as he returns to dust from where he came. And then there’s the small little detail about man not knowing the appointed time, with a few exceptions such as a death row inmate who has exhausted his/her appeals whereby there’s a date certain, giving him/hery enough time to conjure up that last non-prison treat. For the rest of us, we are counselled to be careful, watchful and vigilant and prepared, because not only do we know not the hour or the day, we neither know (with a few exceptions) where, what we’ll be doing nor with whom we’ll be at the appointed time (Hebrews 9:27, Job 34:15, Matthew 25:13). Eustace is an adult male and fully understands the allure and pull of that female body part which Lauren Hill (formerly of the Fugees) referred to as “that thing, that thing, thiiiiiiiing”, in her song titled, wait for it …….. “That Thing”! And that is why Eustace was terribly concerned when Lamar Odom was reportedly discovered unresponsive and with a bloodied nose, in a Las Vegas brothel! He had checked in a couple days earlier, selected a couple daughters of Jezebel (from a rich lineup), paid the sum of $75k and settled in for a restful and Eustace guesses, joyful weekend. No, it didn’t end there. Lamar then proceeded to purchase from the brothel, an aphrodisiac, purported to be a herbal alternative to Viagra!
Where do you even begin to tackle this matter. His $75k ($25k/day) weekend tryst tab is higher than the median income of American households! Many insist that the money could’ve been put to better use, but Eustace calls b.s on that. Do you know how many bruising charges the man took to earn his vaa? He can “make it rain” whereever, however and on whomever he wishes, although Eustace would like to observe that he’s been TOLD that the going rate where he’s domiciled isn’t nearly as much as Lamar’s caretakers charge! Just saying. Eustace however has an issue with this: if you can dish out 75 grand for your jolly weekend, shouldn’t you be able to do better than veggie Viagra? In any case, Eustace was very relieved Lamar pulled through else his imaginary tombstone might have read something like “he went, he came and he went”. You fill in the blanks! And boys and gals, that is the morale of the story. Lamar is a multiple NBA champion with immense athletic abilities. While we still search for the next MJ, experts concur that Lamar, with his incredible ball handling skills and versatility, is the second coming of Magic Johnson. None of that would’ve been remembered. Luckily, he has a second chance to rewrite his story, although he must realize that these type events are difficult to shake off. Just ask President Clinton. 20 odd years after a little side fellatio in the line of duty, he and his wife continue to be dogged by it!
And “that thing” has been derailing people from time immemorial and will till Thy Kingdom Come! It cost Samson his life through Delilah, the carrier. King David had Uriah killed for it. Famous pastors have met their downfall because of it. El-Chapo dropped his guard and lost his mind texting away like a free man and there’s no tunnel to freedom this time around. All this for the sake of the thang. Bad as they may seem, of all the fellas that have met their downfall on account of the “thing” in recent past, comedian Bill Cosby clearly takes the cake. And the icing! From mid 2014 to date, over 50 women have come forth with accusations that the witty, kind and affable Dr. Huxtable aka Bill Cosby, had raped them. What? What? Whaaaat? No way! And btw can you please stop saying that because it’s not funny either. And that was the overwhelming reaction from his legion of supporters. How can it be? This is the father figure, who showed us how we need to be, even before we knew we we ren’t right, who boldly chastised young African-American men to pull themselves and their pants up and man up and take responsibility for themselves and their own, who has generously given resources and lent his influential voice to the cause of higher education etc, how can it be? It can’t be! And when “dad” wouldn’t dignify such bunk with a response, we cheered. Such was the firewall his supporters built around him, while waiting for this hurricane of hatred and malice to blow by. Until that deposition was released. What a revelation it was! “Dad” is a creep! And this is what makes Eustace go berserk! A pre-marital Eustace, like most others, apparently took the scenic route in the dating game, expending precious time and scarce resources, sometimes feigning sincere love – just doing and saying any and everything to woo a damsel. In the very rare once-in-a-while event of a score, he simply chucks the multitudes of mishits (i.e. failures) to R&D. Turns out that all he needed was quaal udes! Quaaludes quaaludes, Eustace needs his youth back! Ok gals and boys, that was a lame and distasteful attempt at humor. This isn’t by any means a laughing matter. You see, if Mr. Cosby, with his quick wits and padded wallet had played the good ole conventional quaalude-free game, there’s a good chance he’d have netted 33-67%of his alleged victims (and don’t ask how Eustace arrived at the numbers because he doesn’t know either)! Cosby’s use of quaaludes is simply evidence of his avaricious existence. It just boggles Eustace’s mind that a one who was so revered and beloved turned out to be a suspected shameless serial rapist! If you can’t trust “dad”, then what goodness is left of mankind? Eustace hears there’s a diagnosis for folks who prefer their sexual partners to be in near-comatose state, but Eustace submits that even in the age of “affluenza”, that would be an exponentially egregious defense primarily for lack of evidence of the following: consent to engage in sexual activit y, consent to be drugged and consent to engage in sCosbyty while under the influence of a sedative and hypnotic drug. Plus Eustace would like to know how many times he’s given quaaludes to Camille Cosby or to himself for that matter. Although 77-year old Cosby may not end up in prison (expired statutes), he’s toast in the court of public opinion and his prospects of a blissful twilight years are dim at best. He’s basically hazmat from here on out.
Speaking of hazmat, that is exactly what immigration has become in the 2016 presidential elections cycle. Particularly on the republican side. Especially amongst first generation Americans. Children of immigrants.
Senators Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have a few things in common. There’s no love lost between them – mutually disdainful of each other. They’re both attorneys. They’re both good debaters, albeit with different styles. And we know this because we’ve seen them both debate on the same stage in their quests to be POTUS. This, not withstanding that they’re both fairly inexperienced 44-year old first term Senators! They’re both first generation Cuban-Americans, children of immigrants, though just paternal in the case of Cruz who has a natural born American mother. Also, neither of them will ever be POTUS, because for both of them, children of immigrants, immigration will be their biggest undoing!
Have you noticed something about immigration that Eustace has seen play out over and over again? Here’s a clue: what do Cruz, Rubio, governor Bobby Jindal and governor Niki Haley have in common? They’re all the same age – 44. They’re all very brilliant and smart people. They’re all overachieving first-generation Americans, children of immigrants. They’re all super-ambitious people – 3 of them ran for president, 2 remain in the race and one is running for VP. And they all have a stinging dislike (borderline hatred) of (“undocumented/illegal”) immigrants.
Folks, this isn’t ordinary. Eustace believes there has to be a scientific explanation for it and perhaps even a diagnosis. How immigration came to be a toxic and bitterly divisive issue in a nation of immigrants is befuddling. That children of fairly recent immigrants have become the loudest echoe chambers of xenophobia is even more bewildering.
In 2006, GW, the great “Decider” looked to expend whatever little political capital he had left, after a futile attempt to privatize Social Security (thank God)! He set his sights on Immigration Reform and charged Senator John “mavureek” McCain to be the senate flag bearer for the Immigration Bill. And then the conservative base and media, everyone of them just like every one of us, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren of immigrants, erupted in volcanic rage, threatening fire and brimstone upon whomever was idiotic enough to touch the hazardous material that immigration had become. “Mavureek” John, with designs on 2008, ran like a rabid dog, away from his own bill! Thus did immigration become a profanity in republican circles. Senator McCain’s gaping loss to Obama in 2008 (he lost Indiana!!), was attributed GW’s mess and McCain’s miscalculation that Americans sought a macho man warrior rather than an economic messiah. Romney, in the 2012 cycle, struck a massive pun ch to the gut of our undocumented brethren when he prescribed that we make life so unbearable for them that they begin to “self deport”! He could’ve been talking about house rodents and still be offensive. He went on to lose by about as much as Mavureek John before him. Obama nailed the coffin. RNC announced the obituary. Priebus led the autopsy. Why did the GOP lose like so? How do we prevent this from ever happening again? Priebus and the RNC made the obvious observations and prescribed the following remedies: 1) the RNC must tone its message to better fit the times, such that it’s more inclusive especially towards minorities. 2) specifically and actively grow the Republican party by reaching out to and recruiting the young and the colored, especially the fastest growing demographic, the Hispanics.
By and large, there isn’t ample evidence these remedies were implemented. In fact, quite the contrary. And that’s why it now seems inevitable that the thing that killed the father is looking to kill the son. Its name is immigration.
Though the RNC wasn’t self-deceiving into thinking it would win the Hispanic vote, it set the realistic goal to narrow the margin of loss. With that goal in mind, senator Rubio availed himself to and actually legitimized the so-called “Gang of 8”, which in 2013, set out to finally put this immigration reform matter to rest. Again the base cried foul, forcing Rubio to turn his back on his own bill. The bill ended up passing without Rubio (i.e. Rubio voted against his own bill), but Speaker John “towncrier” Boehner saw to it that it didn’t see the light of day. Senator Cruz on multiple occasions lent support to the bill and actually proposed measures he claimed will be beneficial to the bill.
Enter the 2016 presidential elections cycle. Candidates Cruz and Rubio are stepping over themselves to prove who detests our undocumented brethren more! Trump launched by lambasting them. You’d think one or more compadres would stick up for them. But no. Trump would commission a Nazi Germany Gestapo-like force and hunt them down whereever they are, whatever the time and at whatever the cost to deport them all. He (Trump) would then begin a screening process, whereby “the good ones” would be allowed back in! Which makes Eustace scratch him head and ask “the rich one”, why not screen on the way out? No response. In any case, Cruz would also build wall and deport every single one of the 12 million of them, but will differ Trump in a couple different ways. First, he would them picked wherever and whenever they’re encountered, wherever in shops, perhaps in church – wherever and whenever in a death by a thousand cuts! And a big yay to fiscal conservatism; it’ll cost much less! Secondly, in Cruz’s plan, NOBODY get’s to come back!
These contenders and their ilk have make “self-deportation” sound like a marriage proposal. In the 2016 republican nomination cycle, the following statements are repungent slurs: “you support a path to citizenship for 12 million illegal immigrants”. “You support legal status for 12 million illegal immigrants”. “You will not on day one rescind Obama’s executive order to stay the deportations of illegal immigrants”. “You proposed a bill to allow in-state tuition for illegal immigrants”. In short, “you care about immigrants”!
And the people cussing the loudest, cussing the most, are the children of immigrants!
For shame! For shame!!
Thus sayeth tha people:
Bill Cosby: no no, we don’t talk about that! And can you please scratch that from your recording. I’ll give you some Quaaludes for that!
Lamar Odom: Veggie “V” was high in fiber and fat free. And it was a slam dunk!
El Chapo: who the hell is Penn Sean? He’s an actor? Tell the chick she can bring anyone she wants; my tunnel diggers on standby!
Nigerians: we love Indian food, Indian movies and Indian hookers!
Trump: i love the blacks, the Mexicanos, the Indians! Not Canadians!
Koboko: GOP is dead and gone to its grave!
Heigh ho, gone to its grave!
They planted an orange hair over its head!
Heigh Ho, over its head!
Orange hair grew ripe and turned to the Trump!
Heigh Ho, turned to the Trump!
Then came the green Cubans – Trump wannabes!
Heigh Ho, Trump wannabes!
GOP got up and gave them a stage!
Heigh Ho, gave them a stage!
Again came November for autopsy time!
Heigh Ho, autopsy time!